Funeral Etiquette: How to Honor the Deceased & Comfort

Navigating Funeral Etiquette

Funerals are an important part of how we process grief, giving us a chance to honor the person who has passed away and offer support to their family and friends.

Funeral etiquette provides helpful guidelines for our behavior during this sensitive time. Knowing and following proper funeral etiquette shows respect, consideration, and empathy for both the grieving family and other attendees.

This guide will walk you through key aspects of funeral etiquette, from what to do before the service, to how to act during the service, to what gestures of support are appropriate afterward. We’ll also cover how memorial practices are changing.

Pre-funeral considerations: Preparing to attend

Before you head to the funeral, it’s a good idea to consider a few things, including whether you should attend in the first place.

Deciding whether to attend

For the most part, attendance at a funeral or memorial service is welcome. It shows you care and want to support the family as they grieve.

That said, there are times when attendance isn’t appropriate. Some services are private, and the family might have specific requests about who should attend. Be sure to honor those wishes.

It’s also a good idea to think about your relationship with the person who died and their family. If you’re a close friend or relative, consider a quick visit to the family’s home to offer your condolences and ask if they need anything.

Understanding family preferences

Some families have specific requests for the memorial service, such as charitable donations in place of flowers. It’s important to respect those wishes.

If the family has cultural or religious traditions that are new to you, do a little research. Attending a funeral of a different faith requires sensitivity and awareness of unfamiliar customs.

Attire and What to Bring

When you’re deciding what to wear and what to bring to a funeral, think “respectful and considerate.”

Appropriate Dress

The best way to dress for a funeral is conservatively. While the traditional color is black, other dark colors are generally fine.

Whatever you choose to wear, make sure it’s clean, neat, and pressed. Avoid anything too casual, revealing, or flashy. This isn’t the time to show off your latest fashion statement.

Essential Items

Tissues are a must. Also, bring a sympathy card with a short, heartfelt message. And bring a memory of the deceased to share, if the opportunity arises.

If you’d like to bring a small gift for the family, check with the family or funeral home first to make sure gifts are welcome. It’s always best to err on the side of caution and make sure your gesture of sympathy is well-received.

Conduct during the funeral service

Funeral services are a time for mourning, reflection, and support. Here’s how to conduct yourself with respect and sensitivity during the service.

Arrival and seating

Plan to arrive at the funeral home or place of worship 10 to 20 minutes before the scheduled start of the service. This gives you time to sign the guest book, find a seat, and compose yourself.

If seating is specified, pay attention to the directions of the ushers or funeral directors. The immediate family generally sits in the front rows, and close friends and relatives are usually seated nearby.

Respectful behavior

The most important thing is to be respectful of the solemnity of the occasion. Turn off your cell phone or put it on silent before entering the service. Refrain from talking unless it’s absolutely necessary, and then keep your voice low. Listen more than you speak.

It’s best to avoid eating or drinking during the service unless refreshments are being served as part of a reception.

Participating in the service

Follow the lead of the celebrant or officiant. Participate in hymns, prayers, or readings as appropriate. If you’re invited or prompted to share memories of the deceased, do so with sincerity and brevity.

Live-stream etiquette

If you’re watching a live stream of the service, be mindful that others are watching as well. Be respectful of the family’s preferences. Make sure your surroundings are quiet and respectful if you’re participating in a virtual service.

Expressing condolences

Knowing what to say to someone who’s grieving can be tough. Here’s a quick guide.

Approaching the bereaved

Keep your expression of sympathy brief and heartfelt. Often, a simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” is enough. If you have a specific memory of the deceased, share it. A positive anecdote or a quality you admired about them can bring comfort.

What to say and what to avoid

Now isn’t the time to offer unsolicited advice or minimize the person’s grief. Avoid talking about your own problems or experiences. Instead, focus on offering support and listening.

Non-verbal communication

A gentle touch on the arm or shoulder can convey empathy. Maintain eye contact and offer a warm, sincere expression. Your presence and support can be more meaningful than words.

After the funeral: Etiquette and support

Your support of the bereaved family doesn’t end when the service ends. Here are ways you can continue to offer comfort and assistance.

Following up after the service

A quick phone call or a handwritten note after the funeral service can let the family know you’re thinking of them.

Offering to run errands or drop off a meal can be an especially kind gesture in the weeks following the funeral.

Attending the funeral reception

Funeral receptions provide a chance to share memories of the person who died and to connect with others who are grieving their loss.

Continue to be considerate of the family’s feelings. Keep conversations positive and respectful.

Digital etiquette

Unless the family has given you permission, it’s best not to post about the funeral on social media. If you feel you must take photos, do so discreetly and keep them to yourself unless the family asks you to share them.

Final Thoughts

Funeral etiquette is about showing respect and compassion when people are experiencing some of the worst days of their lives. Good manners are really about being aware of other people’s feelings and responding to them appropriately.

By understanding and practicing proper funeral etiquette, you can provide meaningful support to the bereaved and honor the person who has died. Remember, every family and every situation is unique, so pay attention to cues and adjust your behavior accordingly.